Holiday preparations

00F: Oh, that's a nice picture! Is that Dr. Mayer?

Me: Yes, that's Dr. Mayer and his wife, Dr. Janet. I need you to do a little Photoshop work on it.

00F: Sure. No problem. What do you need?

Me: I was thinking a Christmas wreath around my neck....

00F: Hmm. OK.

Me: And can you put a reindeer outside the window, looking in?

00F: I guess.... Do you mind if I ask what this is for?

Me: My Christmas cards!!!

00F: Christmas cards!? I don't know how geese do Christmas cards, but with humans, it is customary to use a picture of your own family! I'm not trying to elbow my way onto your card, but don't you think AT LEAST your sister would like to be represented in your holiday greeting?

Me: That's a great idea! Can you Photoshop her in too?!?!?

00F: Maybe we can take a real picture and forget the Photoshop. You can have whoever you want in it. I think there is something to be said for authenticity in holiday pictures, don't you?

Me: I guess, but where are we going to get the reindeer?

Why are these people smiling?

I tend to be a big picture guy. So when I was all but consumed by our presidential election, I neglected to focus on my own insignificant little life. And then, as you might well imagine, my email went completely out of control.

To all those of you I ignored: my friends, I owe you an apology. I am staying up past midnight every night responding to each and every one of you personally!!!!!!

Here's an item that caught my attention. It contained a photo of two hot techs and a vet student at Tufts Veterinary School, with a bound, gagged, and comatose goose, which I gather is ME!!! I quote the email in its entirety:

Hi Boswell,

I work at TUFTS as a technician in the nuclear medicine department. Myself and another technician did your bone scan last week and we took a picture of you with us while you were sleeping away peacefully, while your bone scan was in progress. I will attach the photo for you and your Dad 00F. I hope you like it.

I am sure you do remember me since I had to check you the next morning to make sure you were not radioactive with our Geiger counter. You thought that silly looking thing was scary since you kept hissing at it, after I told you it was not going to hurt you you were fine and went back to eating. Well Boswell I hope there were no hard feelings about having to keep you overnight since you were radioactive. Do you know what we call animals when they are radioactive? We call them "Hot" and you are one "hot goose".
Good luck and we can not wait for you to get better!

Take Care

Jillian

P.S. If you do not remember our names Jill is on the far left, Kay is in the middle and a vet student is on the far right.


Thanks for the picture, Jillian. Of course, there are no hard feelings. I actually thought your Geiger counter was a cell phone. Call me old-fashioned, but I have a zero tolerance policy on cell phones. When I have friends over, I insist that all cell phones are turned off and out of sight!

Now regarding that picture: If you call that "sleeping away peacefully," you have seen one too many installments of "Saw"!!!!!

Overheard in a Bar on the Lower East Side

Man (sitting down at bar; speaking to a goose sitting to his right): Hey there. What are you drinking?

Goose: A Nosedive.

Man: What's a Nosedive?

Goose: Grey Goose vodka and arugula leaves.

Man: Hi bartender. 2 Nosedives please. (To goose:) I guess you're a little bummed out.

Goose: A bit.

Man: Well, at least you did your best. I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to.

Goose: Yeah, well....

Man: I know you had a little crush on Sarah Palin, and while she and McCain weren't my choice, I'm really proud of all the hard work you did campaigning in the last few months.

Goose: Lot of good it did. (Wistfully) There was just something about the way she winked at me....

Man: I'm not sure that Sarah Palin could actually see you when you were watching her on television. I don't think television works that way.... So what's this I heard about you biting Henry Kissinger at a fund-raiser?

Goose: He offered me a foie gras canape!!!! What would you have done??!?!?

Man: Couldn't you have just said, "No thank you"?

Goose: That wouldn't have had the same impact. Anyway: Mrs. Kissinger was totally sympathetic and apologized profusely for hurting my feelings with her menu.

Man: Was that before she took her husband to the emergency room or after?

Goose: Before.

Bartender: 2 Nosedives!

Goose (wriggling tail feathers): Thanks! (Takes a sip and sprays vodka everywhere.) Yum!

Man: These are good! You know, I don't even remember the last time I saw you. Ever since you trimmed down to your flying weight, you're never around.

Goose: Lots to do.

Man: Well, I'm hoping you have a little more spare time now that the election is over. I heard you had an appointment at Tufts last week. How did that go?

Goose: Not bad. My cholesterol is up again.

Man: What does that mean?

Goose: Not sure. We're doubling my Soloxine dose for now.

Man: OK. Did you see Dr. Mayer?

Goose: He was home because he just had knee surgery. So I flew by his house on my way back. His wife, Dr. Janet, was there and she made me grapes and spinach.

Man: You hate grapes and spinach.

Goose: I know. But I ate some anyway.

Man: I'm glad you didn't forget your manners. How was Dr. Mayer's knee?

Goose: He was hobbling around a bit, but I think he is recovering nicely.

Man: Good. Look, I don't know how to put this, but I really have missed you. Do you think we can be friends again now that the election is over?

Goose: Well....

Man: If you drive home with me, we can listen to Coldplay.

Goose: Actually, I don't really like Coldplay. I was just pretending that I did so people would think I was cool.

Man: You don't need to like Coldplay for people to think you are cool!

Goose: Really???

Man: Of course not! So what you are you really listening to?

Goose: Well, there is this one song....

Man: Go ahead.

Goose: I think it's called the 'Mexican Hat Dance'.

Man (looking at iPhone): Wow! There are a lot of versions of that! Do you know which one you like?

Goose: I think it's a rabbit that sings it.

Man: Bugs Bunny!??! You like that?

Goose: Do you?

Man: Are you kidding? I love it! Downloading it now.... We can play it all the way home.

Goose: Cool!!!

Man: Friends?

Goose: BFF!!!

Overheard in a Wal-Mart Parking Lot

Man (lifting a goose out of a car's passenger seat): Here we are!

Goose (looking around, confused): Here we are -- where?

Man: Here we are to get your stereo!!

Goose: Where?

Man: Here! Wal-Mart!

Goose: I don't want a stereo from Wal-Mart!!

Man: Huh?














Goose: I picked out my stereo like you suggested, and we are not going to find it anywhere near a Wal-Mart!!!!!!!!

Man: Ok. Why don't you fill me in then?

Goose: Well, I posted a question on Audioholics.com about the best system for a barn....

Man: You gotta be kidding me! Did you say you were a goose?

Goose: Of course not! What difference does it make? Do you say you're a vegetarian when you're posting a question to the Mac Owners Support Group?

Man: Ok, fine. And what kind of response did you get?

Goose: Very helpful!!! I think I'm just about ready to order a system.

Man: Order? Can't we just go get it?

Goose: Well, actually the speakers need to be special ordered, because they are custom-made.

(To two women passing:) Hi ladies!!!! Looking good today!!!!

Woman #1: Oh my God, aren't you cute!!!!!

Goose (wriggling tail feathers): Not as cute as you in that red dress!!

Woman #2: Hahaha! Shake your tail feathers again! That is so sweet!

Man (interrupting): Excuse me!!! Excuse me!!! We're having a personal conversation here! Do you mind?

(To goose): Ok, tell me about these custom-made speakers.

Goose: Altec Lansings. A7's. Really sweet!!!!!

Man: Great. And how much are these A7's?

Goose: 58.

Man: 58?? 58 what?

Goose: 58 hundred.

Man: Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!! $5800????

Goose: Per speaker.

Man: Let me get this straight. You want to buy $12,000 speakers for your 3 Coldplay CD's???

Goose: I have 5 Coldplay CD's!!

Man: Let me make a suggestion. Since we're here, let's pick something up for you to try out. And if you don't like it, we can return it and look for a better alternative.

Goose: I am not getting a stereo from Wal-Mart. Only small children have stereos from Wal-Mart and I have very sensitive ears!!!!!!!!!!!

Man: So we are getting nothing here?

Goose: That's right.

Man: Ok. That's your decision. Do you want to do anything else this afternoon? Should we go to the lake and drop the kayak in for a while?

Goose: That sounds good!!!

Man (picking up goose and putting him back into the passenger seat): It does, doesn't it? Let's get out of here.

Mayor Bloomberg, we need to talk....

Are there any sounds more beautiful than the honking of a goose? And if you have to think, let me tell you, the answer is "absolutely not."  

And yet... my friend, Dawn, found this street sign on Dyer Avenue between 41st and 42nd Streets, in New York City. 

She writes: 

Frankly, this is discrimination against geese, and you don't have to take it. "Don't honk"?! What be will next? "Don't eat the grass"? Or "Don't bite the humans!" Appalling!

Thank you, Dawn. Is it discrimination or just bad taste in music? I'll let you know....

Tufts trip #235 (One way!!!!!!)

I drove up to Tufts yesterday for what I thought was going to be a simple chemo treatment. Little did I know that a nuclear bone scan was scheduled. And even littler did I know that after a nuclear bone scan, you have to spend the night because you are RADIOACTIVE!!!!

So here I am, in the exotic ward with a ferret, a chicken, a bunny, an african grey parrot and an eclectus parrot, waiting for 00F to come take me home to my barn. (I actually miss it!! Can you believe it???) The parrots are fun to talk to, but as soon as they finish dinner, all they care about is falling asleep in front of the TV. So as I wait very patiently, for 00F to get me out of here, I will spend this time productively by catching up on my blog.

(Memo to Gremlin Baby: I actually type with my bill. You seem like a nice guy, so I am sure that you won't make any "hunt and peck" jokes!!!)

So, for my medically-minded readers, here's a computer-enhanced version of my bone scan. You can see the osteo-sarcoma lesion on my left leg.

And before you say "Oh my God, Boswell!!!!!! That must hurt like @#$#@!!!!!," I should tell you I'd rather have a little pain in my thigh than be sitting in a large pot of boiling water surrounded by carrots and bay leaves -- any day!!

Dr. Mayer was pretty happy that my bone looked okay, that the lesion had not grown significantly, and that it did not appear to have spread anywhere else. And if Dr. Mayer is happy, I am ROFL.

There was one number on my labs that puzzled him: my cholesterol was over 1000! I hope that this does not result in a misguided search of my beloved 48" Liebherr side-by-side refrigerator & freezer combo. And if someone finds the 17 quarts of Chubby Hubby... Woglinde -- can we pretend it's yours??????

Awwwww!!!!! Here's a cute picture of me (in front), Andrea Bergeron (V '09, on left), and Dr. DeCubellis (right). Dr. DeCubellis had just played a prank on me when I wasn't looking and made a huge mess of arugula leaves around my bowl.

Dr. DeCubellis, nice try, but everyone knows my table manners are perfect!!!!!

This is me waiting for 00F to come get me.

Hmm. What is that blue thing around my neck?!?!?!??!?!??!

Shheesh!!!! I told that parrot that I did NOT want to wear his goofy bandanna!!!! I guess this is play-a-joke-on-Boswell day!!!!

OOF, if you are reading this, I am really ready to come home!!

Viva la vida

00F: We need to talk.

Me: Mmm. Can it wait? I'm a little busy right now....

00F: You're not busy. You're looking at geese on petfinder.com.

Me (closing my laptop): *sigh*

00F: So what's all this email I'm getting about you and Woglinde moving into the house? You know perfectly well that she doesn't want to live in the house. She likes it here in the barn.

Me: I know!!!! That's why I want to find her a replacement goose, so that she's not lonely when I move into the house!!!!

00F: Look, you know she does not want a replacement goose. OK? 

Me: Ummm.

00F: I don't have to remind you who snuggled with you when you were sick, do I? Who preened your feathers for you? 

Me: Woglinde?

00F: That's right. So you're not leaving her here, with or without a replacement goose.

Me: WAAAAAHHHHHH!

00F: Whoa! Calm down. Tell me, what is it that's so appealing about the house?

Me: *sniff sniff* Well, for one, the stereo....

00F: What?!

Me: I never get to play my Coldplay CDs up here!!!!! And if I lived at the house, I could play them all the time!!!

00F: Well, actually you couldn't.

Me: What??? Why not?

00F: Because I hate Coldplay.

Me: What?!?!?!??!?!!? That's not true!! You always play Coldplay in the car!!!!!!!!!

00F: Only when you're riding with me! And that's because I know you like them! I'm sorry, man. I couldn't deal with Coldplay playing all the time in the house. That would be a nightmare.

Me: *hiss!!!!*

00F: Look, if you had told me this earlier, we could have bought you a stereo to play up here in the barn.

Me: A stereo!!!!! My own? Really!!!!????

00F: Do you want to go pick one out this weekend? 

Me: *tail wriggle*

00F: Ok, then. Why don't you do a little research online before we go? I think you'll need one with an infinite repeat function.

Me: And a subwoofer?

00F: If you must.

Me: Viva la vida!!!!!!

I Don't Understand Women

I really don't.

A couple posts ago, I recounted a conversation I had with 00F, in which I all but convinced him that it would be a great thing for both of us if I moved into the house. Reader comments were extremely supportive of this idea. In fact, many of you had helpful suggestions for amenities that I might enjoy! 

There was one exception, a certain "Shelly T," who suggested that I had a "pretty sweet set-up" in the barn. And that I should be happy where I am!!!!!!

What? Who could possibly say such a weird thing??!?!??!? And why?

Folks, I may not be the most tech-savvy goose in the blogosphere, but when I saw this, I knew "Shelly T" had to be my sister, Woglinde!!

The next morning I decided to confront her. "Look, sis.  I know you are 'Shelly T'. Why are you trying to sabotage my plans?!?!??!" 

She clucked and turned away from me. I knew she was going to start crying. Oh no!!!!

"Look here, Woglinde, don't cry!!!" I said. "You can get another goose to keep you company in the barn if you don't want to live in the house!!! I saw lots of them on Petfinder.com!!!!"

Nope. She doesn't want another goose. She wants me! Why????

"Woglinde, you're too good for me! You deserve better!! I'm a selfish jerk. Just look at this cool goose named Goliath!!!"

Nope. Nope. Nope. She wouldn't even look at the computer. 

Woglinde, I completely understand that you are a simple country goose, and that you want to live in a barn. But I want more! I want excitement! I want adventure! I want to go driving with my head out the window listening to Coldplay!!!! I want to watch the Daily Show before I go to bed! And I am not getting that in the barn!! Don't you understand?!?!

Why do Round, Shiny Objects Turn Me into a Raving Lunatic?

I really cannot explain it. I will have to ask Dr. Mayer next time I see him.

Where I Don't Live and Why I Don't Live There

Thanks for all the comments and emails everyone has been sending me!!!!!! 00F says that he is amazed at how kind everyone has been to a goose. Why shouldn't they be kind???? I'm a great guy!!!!

I have been feeling a little droopy today from the chemo last week, but not so droopy that I can't answer some fan-mail before bedtime.

I'll start with a very interesting question from Bill in Chicago.

"Boswell, if you're that darn special, why do you live in a barn and not in a house with 00F?"

Brilliant question, Bill. I have no idea!!!!

So I tonight I ask 00F the very same question.

"Well, Peanut." (He always calls me Peanut when he is explaining something that he thinks I won't understand. I hate that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) "There are at least three reasons I can think of...."

"Go on," I say. Three reasons!!!!! What could they be?!?!?!?!?!?!

"Well, for one, geese can't be house-trained."

Hmm. Is that my fault?? Not worth asking. "You know, there is a woman that makes diapers for geese so that they can spend more time inside a house with the person they love," I offer, wiggling my tail feathers.

"Forget it. You are not wearing a diaper. You're over two years old."

This is ridiculous. "Well, I'm not sure how to put this tactfully. But if I did happen to have a SMALL accident or two inside the house, there is no way it would even be visible under all the giant mounds of dog and cat fur all over the floor!" Take that!!!

Silence.

"OK, good, that's taken care of. What are the other two reasons?"

"Well, Emma lives in the house and you know she would not mind having you for lunch."

Emma is a Siberian Husky. She eats cute little creatures like me just for the heck of it. She must be part wolf. There are also two other dogs, Ossies, I think, called Nick and Wally. Both the boys are clueless, but they do respect my authority.

"I think Emma has made some really good progress lately," I say. "She's a lot more interested in eating the waterfowl pellets than she is in eating me!! You know you were very successful in training her not to eat the cats!! So... I guess it's just a matter of you finding the time in your schedule to finish training her. Unless, of course, you just don't have the time." I punctuate this with a very loud *sigh* to make it clear that I remember that he did have the time to take Emma and the other dogs (and Nafob!!) to France last year... while I was boarded at the vet!!!!!!!!!

"So what are you saying then? You're going to walk around with some pellets to offer her when she is in the mood for a snack?"

Sheesh! He can be so dense. "No, I am saying that when you have a dog, it is your responsibility to train it!!!!!!!!"

Pause.

I have him on this one and he knows it!!!!!! YAY!!!!! Where should I put my water buckets? My arugula bowl? My pellets? My picture of Michele Norris when it comes??? So many things to decide when you are moving!!!!

"Were there any other reasons you can think of?"

"Yes. There is one big one," he says. "And I'll let you think about what it might be. It's time for bed. Good night. I love you. Good night, Woglinde," he says to my sister. "I love you, angel."

Hmm. What could that other reason be?????

Cancel my Membership!!!!

NPR used to be my favorite radio station, but in less than 24 hours, I find that I can barely stand to listen to it. "Why Boswell?" you might ask, "They did such a nice story on you last night!!"

"Oh really?!?!?" I might reply. "Just try searching for it on their website using the search term 'goose'. You'll come up with this delicious recipe!!!!!!!!!!!!"

OMG!!!

Bonny!!! I hope you have lots of friends, because you will not be making new ones by saying things like: "...a goose is one fat bird."

We're not fat; we're big-boned.

NPR, you should know better. You still have time to make it up to me by sending that picture of Michele Norris that I requested 3 days ago!!!

Attention all geese

In yesterday's post, I mentioned that I had met a woman who told me about a collision between her car and a goose. This morning I see that she has written a comment on that post to clarify that it was the goose that ran into her car, and furthermore, that the goose walked away unharmed. (Well, maybe missing a feather or two.) I'm tempted to say that the goose was almost certainly a Chinese goose. (They can be such airheads!!!) But I'd rather take the opportunity to tell all you geese out there that you should only run into a car

1. when it is stopped,
   
2. when a door is open, and
3. when someone would like you to be in the car with them.
   

In the future, I'll post a video to demonstrate how this is done correctly. And for those of you who don't know what a car is, they look like this.

No sharks!

Went kayaking again tonight in Fiddler's Pond. I'm getting a lot more comfortable way out in the deep water, but I'm still on the lookout for sharks. 00F says that no one has ever sighted a shark in a freshwater pond. I reply (quoting Donald Rumsfeld): "The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence."

"Fine," says 00F, and starts humming the theme from Jaws, as he paddles out into even deeper water.

"I'll give you 10 seconds to stop that," I honk, "or I'm swimming off with your paddle." I guess he got the message, because then he started singing "Home on the Range" (my favorite song!!!!). Things cooled down after that. 00F just needs to be reminded who's the boss once in a while.


When we got back to shore, we met a family that was fishing. (There aren't that many fish in Fiddler's Pond, but I was not going to be the one to tell them that!) They were an extremely nice family, although I'm not entirely sure why the woman told me she hit a goose with her car. Ouch!! I don't even like to think about things like that!!! You can imagine my relief when she said she did not live in Connecticut!!!!!!

They had a girl named Payton. (Cool name! I'm naming our next gosling Payton!!) Payton was super-sweet and not at all afraid of me! I let her pet my ticklish spot on my chest. Payton, I like you!!!!! Write to me, ok?!?!?!?!?

NPR

Vicki Croke emailed my old man, 00F. I hope I am not violating any privacy laws by quoting a few lines:

Guess what? I'm doing ALL THINGS CONSIDERED on NPR Monday to talk about Boswell. Can I tell Robert Siegel Boswell has a blog now?

Vicki!!!!!! How long have we known each other??????? We're like family!!!! And then you go and ask my dad if you can mention my blog on All Things Considered???!!!!!

Get me an autographed picture of Michele Norris and we'll talk.

(Michele: It would be really cool if you could do one of those lipstick-kiss things at the bottom of the picture!!!!!!!)

OMG!!! Am I really that fat????

Just saw this segment about me on NECN.

I know television is supposed to make you look 10 pounds fatter, but I look like a Butterball turkey!!!

I am eating just one leaf of organic baby arugula for breakfast and one for dinner. That's it. Nothing else. Also, if I go kayaking tonight, I'm not going to sit in the cockpit for 90% of the trip like I usually do.

Tufts trip #234

Drove up to Tufts yesterday for some poking and prodding. Sat on the lap of 00F (00 Feathers! He doesn't have a single feather!!!!! Can you believe it?? LOL!!! ROFL!!!!!). That was nice. Nafob (Not a friend of Boswell) drove.

I tried to be nice to Nafob, in spite of the way he annoys me. (Note to Nafob: Don't try to be my friend!!! I have enough friends!!)

When we got to Tufts, wow! there was a television crew to film me! Cool! Or so I thought for about 5 seconds. And then it quickly turned into a Stanley Kubrick production. Seriously, I think they made me do 60 takes of just walking in the front door. And what's disturbing is that I nailed it on the first take. Whatever. I tried to call in for the editing session, but no one was answering at NECN. (Note to NECN: "Honk!" means put me through immediately! Not: "Put me on hold for 5 minutes and then disconnect me!")

Riddle me this: Why are all the techs and front-desk women at Tufts so cute? I'm in love with all of them, and, I admit it, I did flirt shamelessly. Sue me.

Dr. Candy was there. I love Dr. Candy. I did give her a little hiss when I first saw her, just to show her that I am not pleased that she is working somewhere else. But once I made that clear, I was on my best behavior. (Dr. Candy: I need your picture for my blog!!! 00F forgot to take our picture together! I am so angry with him!!!!)

Author/journalist Vicki Croke was also there. I think she was the one responsible for the whole media circus. And yes, I know, maybe I could have been a bit friendlier to her. But I don't want her to think that just because she writes about me for the Boston Globe (whatever that is) and features me in news segments, that I am going to eat dandelions out of her hand. What would she think of me?

Filming. Poking. Filming. More poking. Dr. Mayer held me on my back for my treatment. (Note to Dr. Mayer: Was that really necessary???) More filming. Look this way. Don't look at the camera. Being a celebrity is hard work.

On the way home, we stopped at Blooming Acres Farm. They let me in! No one ever lets me in their stores! (Why is that?) I was delighted. But I did notice a conspicuous lack of merchandise displayed at my level. Wait. I take that back. There was a very nice display of tick tweezers right where I could browse it. Extremely interesting, even though I could not figure out how to get the tweezers off the cardboard. I hope that was not an IQ test!!