Don't call me "Boswell"

First of all, I want to thank everyone for their kind words about my sister, Woglinde, who died two weeks ago. I really appreciate all your cards. And I really am doing much better.

Here's a picture taken at my last chemo treatment at Tufts last week.

Don't get me started on the crown. All I have to say about that is: When someone insists that the crown they are trying to stick on your head actually belonged to Ivan the Terrible, don't believe it!!!!

Actually what I want to call to your attention is a despicable practice that permeates the entire veterinary industry. Look closely at the upper right corner of the whiteboard in the background and you will see: "Tucker." "Rose." "Barclay."

"But 'Boswell,'" you might be saying, "what on earth is wrong with putting quotation marks around pet names???"

The implication, my friend, is that this is not the real Tucker, but merely a rabbit who thinks he is Tucker. And that this rabbit has somehow persuaded you, his hapless owner, of that as well. So to humor you and your rabbit, we will call him (wink wink) "Tucker." Until you leave the building, that is, when we start calling him Mr. Rabbit.

I'm putting my foot down on this one, and refusing to acknowledge anyone that calls me "Boswell."

Just call me Boswell. Thanks!

Goodbye Woglinde

My sister, Woglinde (on left in photo), died last night. No one even knew she was sick!

I'm sad because I never thanked her for sitting right next to me for weeks and weeks and weeks when I was sick. And bringing me food when I was too tired to stand up! What a jerk I am!!! Why did I never say "That was nice. I really appreciate that!"????


I'm sad because she was sweet and pretty and patient, and now I will never see her again.

Woglinde, I hope you can hear me!!! Thank you! I'm sorry I am a jerk! I miss you!

Life of a 21st century celebrity

As soon as I am done with my Christmas cards, I need to extend my brand. Like all other celebrities, I need a line. A line of what though?

Something super high-end and dumb, preferably. With totally cool packaging.

Damn you, Grey Goose vodka! I could have made an absolutely tasteless clear beverage out of "fine French wheat" (ha!) and sold it for $30 a bottle!

Perhaps a scent?? "Flight"... by BOSWELL. A youthful and playful women's fragrance with top notes of cumulus cloud and golden tangerine, middle notes of organic arugula and hints of linden blossom, and base notes of will o' the wisp wrapped in organic wood shavings and pink pralines. With a bottle shaped like me, of course. But that would mean my head would unscrew, and I do not like that. Not one bit.

My aunt thinks I should have my own vineyard, like Francis Ford Coppola's. She even created a prototype (see photo). But New England grapes are inferior, so I'd have to move to the south of France and who would come with me?

Dr. Mayer thinks I should write children's books "to show children that going to the hospital is not scary and can be fun." Dr. Mayer, my advice to young patients would be to barricade themselves in the car upon arriving at the hospital and scream loudly at passersby for help. And who would buy that?

The Very Secret Life of Animals

The Starbucks on Chapel Street in New Haven. A man and a goose sit at a small table near the window. The goose sips a soy latte; the man, an espresso.

Goose: Oh dude! Did I tell you about my television gig?!?!?

Man: Umm, which one?

Goose: I was on that reporter chick's show!!!

Man: "Reporter chick"?

Goose: The hot one.

Man: The hot reporter chick.... I wonder if that's on her business card.

Goose (scrolling through iPhone address book): What is her name!! Oh here: Vicki Croke!

Man: Vicki Croke? I was on that show with you, man! I was sitting right next to you!!!!

Goose: OMG! I thought you must have been another guest who was on before me. Possibly someone with autism. Did you say anything?

Man: A couple things.

Goose: I couldn't hear a word you said!! You need to E-NUN-CI-ATE! Say this: "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain."

Man: It looked like you did well. Did you enjoy yourself?

Goose: Enjoy!?!? It was a celebration!!! Did you check out that green room?

Man: Green room? They had me in the employee snack room....

Goose: What a crib!! They had three-story columns carved from pink Florentine marble. The capitols were lotus blossoms and laminar fountains were shooting between the blossoms!!!

Man: I'm having trouble picturing that....

Goose: And table after table covered with authentic medieval tapestries! Rare and tasty bitter greens in solid gold bowls! Vintage French pond-water in wading pools!

Man: Well, they did have free coffee in the employee snack room.... Regular AND decaf!!

Goose: And those peacocks!! Where did they learn to dance like that? Is there a school for poultry that teaches exotic dancing??

Man: My head is spinning. Hey, did you get any pictures?

Goose: Of course not!! Photography was strictly prohibited! Oops! Now that I think of it, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about this place.... Do I need to kill you?

Man: Nope. I just erased this whole conversation from my brain.

Doppelgoose. Season 1; Episode 1; Scene 1. "It wasn't me!!! (It really wasn't.)"

INT. A LARGE BARN AT NIGHT.

BOSWELL, a devastatingly handsome goose of about 4 years (but looking only 2!!), sits intently in front of a laptop computer. His sister, WOGLINDE, sits quietly at his side so as not to disturb his concentration.

BOSWELL
Let's see.... We have organic Puntarella for Grand-Mare and organic pink passion chard for NAFOB.... What do you think?

WOGLINDE
(excitedly)
Honk honk honk!

00F (aka 00 Feathers), his dad, a disheveled-looking man of about 50, enters the barn.

00F
Hey guys. What's up?

BOSWELL
We're picking out birthday presents!

00F
Oh yeah? For who?

BOSWELL
For Grand-Mare and NAFOB!

00F
Great! You know, if you're mailing those, you might want to get their names right.

BOSWELL
Huh?

00F
If "Grand-Mare" is referring to your grandmother, even though i flunked French, I think you are trying to say "Grand-mère."

BOSWELL
Oh, no. I'm a French goose. I know my French. It's definitely Grand-Mare.

00F
OK, I'll take your word for it. And the person you call NAFOB -- his actual name is Steve. What does NAFOB mean anyway?

BOSWELL
NAFOB is an acronym....

00F
Go on.

BOSWELL
Now what was that phrase...? I completely forget! Oh! I know!! It stands for "Never A Frown Or Brave".

00F
That doesn't even make sense.... You know, sometimes I get a little tired of playing Elmer Fudd to your Bugs Bunny.

BOSWELL
I love Bugs!

00F
Well, if you'd like him to get his present, you might want to send it to "Steve" instead of "NAFOB". By the way, about this "00F" thing for me. Isn't that speciest, or something? Just because I don't have 15,000 feathers all over the place... I have to be ridiculed for that?

BOSWELL
Why, what on EARTH do you mean?

00F
Maybe you could call me Mr. Podlaseck.

BOSWELL
Too formal. Who can say that name anyway? Can you, Woglinde?

WOGLINDE
Honk!

BOSWELL
Absolutely. Hmm.
(to 00F)
Do you have any friends?

00F
A few.

BOSWELL
What do they call you?

00F
Mark.

BOSWELL
Mark. Ma-rk. Mar-ky. Mar-co. How about Elmer?

00F
Nope.

BOSWELL
Humbert Humbert.

00F
No way.

BOSWELL
Michael Vick.

00F
Come on.

00F
Your Excellence.

00F
Let's try out Mark for a while and see how that goes.

BOSWELL
(turning back to his laptop, whispering to Woglinde)
NO sense of imagination!

MARK
Well, I'll let you get back to your online shopping. Catch you later!

Holiday preparations

00F: Oh, that's a nice picture! Is that Dr. Mayer?

Me: Yes, that's Dr. Mayer and his wife, Dr. Janet. I need you to do a little Photoshop work on it.

00F: Sure. No problem. What do you need?

Me: I was thinking a Christmas wreath around my neck....

00F: Hmm. OK.

Me: And can you put a reindeer outside the window, looking in?

00F: I guess.... Do you mind if I ask what this is for?

Me: My Christmas cards!!!

00F: Christmas cards!? I don't know how geese do Christmas cards, but with humans, it is customary to use a picture of your own family! I'm not trying to elbow my way onto your card, but don't you think AT LEAST your sister would like to be represented in your holiday greeting?

Me: That's a great idea! Can you Photoshop her in too?!?!?

00F: Maybe we can take a real picture and forget the Photoshop. You can have whoever you want in it. I think there is something to be said for authenticity in holiday pictures, don't you?

Me: I guess, but where are we going to get the reindeer?

Why are these people smiling?

I tend to be a big picture guy. So when I was all but consumed by our presidential election, I neglected to focus on my own insignificant little life. And then, as you might well imagine, my email went completely out of control.

To all those of you I ignored: my friends, I owe you an apology. I am staying up past midnight every night responding to each and every one of you personally!!!!!!

Here's an item that caught my attention. It contained a photo of two hot techs and a vet student at Tufts Veterinary School, with a bound, gagged, and comatose goose, which I gather is ME!!! I quote the email in its entirety:

Hi Boswell,

I work at TUFTS as a technician in the nuclear medicine department. Myself and another technician did your bone scan last week and we took a picture of you with us while you were sleeping away peacefully, while your bone scan was in progress. I will attach the photo for you and your Dad 00F. I hope you like it.

I am sure you do remember me since I had to check you the next morning to make sure you were not radioactive with our Geiger counter. You thought that silly looking thing was scary since you kept hissing at it, after I told you it was not going to hurt you you were fine and went back to eating. Well Boswell I hope there were no hard feelings about having to keep you overnight since you were radioactive. Do you know what we call animals when they are radioactive? We call them "Hot" and you are one "hot goose".
Good luck and we can not wait for you to get better!

Take Care

Jillian

P.S. If you do not remember our names Jill is on the far left, Kay is in the middle and a vet student is on the far right.


Thanks for the picture, Jillian. Of course, there are no hard feelings. I actually thought your Geiger counter was a cell phone. Call me old-fashioned, but I have a zero tolerance policy on cell phones. When I have friends over, I insist that all cell phones are turned off and out of sight!

Now regarding that picture: If you call that "sleeping away peacefully," you have seen one too many installments of "Saw"!!!!!