Holiday preparations

00F: Oh, that's a nice picture! Is that Dr. Mayer?

Me: Yes, that's Dr. Mayer and his wife, Dr. Janet. I need you to do a little Photoshop work on it.

00F: Sure. No problem. What do you need?

Me: I was thinking a Christmas wreath around my neck....

00F: Hmm. OK.

Me: And can you put a reindeer outside the window, looking in?

00F: I guess.... Do you mind if I ask what this is for?

Me: My Christmas cards!!!

00F: Christmas cards!? I don't know how geese do Christmas cards, but with humans, it is customary to use a picture of your own family! I'm not trying to elbow my way onto your card, but don't you think AT LEAST your sister would like to be represented in your holiday greeting?

Me: That's a great idea! Can you Photoshop her in too?!?!?

00F: Maybe we can take a real picture and forget the Photoshop. You can have whoever you want in it. I think there is something to be said for authenticity in holiday pictures, don't you?

Me: I guess, but where are we going to get the reindeer?

Why are these people smiling?

I tend to be a big picture guy. So when I was all but consumed by our presidential election, I neglected to focus on my own insignificant little life. And then, as you might well imagine, my email went completely out of control.

To all those of you I ignored: my friends, I owe you an apology. I am staying up past midnight every night responding to each and every one of you personally!!!!!!

Here's an item that caught my attention. It contained a photo of two hot techs and a vet student at Tufts Veterinary School, with a bound, gagged, and comatose goose, which I gather is ME!!! I quote the email in its entirety:

Hi Boswell,

I work at TUFTS as a technician in the nuclear medicine department. Myself and another technician did your bone scan last week and we took a picture of you with us while you were sleeping away peacefully, while your bone scan was in progress. I will attach the photo for you and your Dad 00F. I hope you like it.

I am sure you do remember me since I had to check you the next morning to make sure you were not radioactive with our Geiger counter. You thought that silly looking thing was scary since you kept hissing at it, after I told you it was not going to hurt you you were fine and went back to eating. Well Boswell I hope there were no hard feelings about having to keep you overnight since you were radioactive. Do you know what we call animals when they are radioactive? We call them "Hot" and you are one "hot goose".
Good luck and we can not wait for you to get better!

Take Care

Jillian

P.S. If you do not remember our names Jill is on the far left, Kay is in the middle and a vet student is on the far right.


Thanks for the picture, Jillian. Of course, there are no hard feelings. I actually thought your Geiger counter was a cell phone. Call me old-fashioned, but I have a zero tolerance policy on cell phones. When I have friends over, I insist that all cell phones are turned off and out of sight!

Now regarding that picture: If you call that "sleeping away peacefully," you have seen one too many installments of "Saw"!!!!!

Overheard in a Bar on the Lower East Side

Man (sitting down at bar; speaking to a goose sitting to his right): Hey there. What are you drinking?

Goose: A Nosedive.

Man: What's a Nosedive?

Goose: Grey Goose vodka and arugula leaves.

Man: Hi bartender. 2 Nosedives please. (To goose:) I guess you're a little bummed out.

Goose: A bit.

Man: Well, at least you did your best. I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to.

Goose: Yeah, well....

Man: I know you had a little crush on Sarah Palin, and while she and McCain weren't my choice, I'm really proud of all the hard work you did campaigning in the last few months.

Goose: Lot of good it did. (Wistfully) There was just something about the way she winked at me....

Man: I'm not sure that Sarah Palin could actually see you when you were watching her on television. I don't think television works that way.... So what's this I heard about you biting Henry Kissinger at a fund-raiser?

Goose: He offered me a foie gras canape!!!! What would you have done??!?!?

Man: Couldn't you have just said, "No thank you"?

Goose: That wouldn't have had the same impact. Anyway: Mrs. Kissinger was totally sympathetic and apologized profusely for hurting my feelings with her menu.

Man: Was that before she took her husband to the emergency room or after?

Goose: Before.

Bartender: 2 Nosedives!

Goose (wriggling tail feathers): Thanks! (Takes a sip and sprays vodka everywhere.) Yum!

Man: These are good! You know, I don't even remember the last time I saw you. Ever since you trimmed down to your flying weight, you're never around.

Goose: Lots to do.

Man: Well, I'm hoping you have a little more spare time now that the election is over. I heard you had an appointment at Tufts last week. How did that go?

Goose: Not bad. My cholesterol is up again.

Man: What does that mean?

Goose: Not sure. We're doubling my Soloxine dose for now.

Man: OK. Did you see Dr. Mayer?

Goose: He was home because he just had knee surgery. So I flew by his house on my way back. His wife, Dr. Janet, was there and she made me grapes and spinach.

Man: You hate grapes and spinach.

Goose: I know. But I ate some anyway.

Man: I'm glad you didn't forget your manners. How was Dr. Mayer's knee?

Goose: He was hobbling around a bit, but I think he is recovering nicely.

Man: Good. Look, I don't know how to put this, but I really have missed you. Do you think we can be friends again now that the election is over?

Goose: Well....

Man: If you drive home with me, we can listen to Coldplay.

Goose: Actually, I don't really like Coldplay. I was just pretending that I did so people would think I was cool.

Man: You don't need to like Coldplay for people to think you are cool!

Goose: Really???

Man: Of course not! So what you are you really listening to?

Goose: Well, there is this one song....

Man: Go ahead.

Goose: I think it's called the 'Mexican Hat Dance'.

Man (looking at iPhone): Wow! There are a lot of versions of that! Do you know which one you like?

Goose: I think it's a rabbit that sings it.

Man: Bugs Bunny!??! You like that?

Goose: Do you?

Man: Are you kidding? I love it! Downloading it now.... We can play it all the way home.

Goose: Cool!!!

Man: Friends?

Goose: BFF!!!

Overheard in a Wal-Mart Parking Lot

Man (lifting a goose out of a car's passenger seat): Here we are!

Goose (looking around, confused): Here we are -- where?

Man: Here we are to get your stereo!!

Goose: Where?

Man: Here! Wal-Mart!

Goose: I don't want a stereo from Wal-Mart!!

Man: Huh?














Goose: I picked out my stereo like you suggested, and we are not going to find it anywhere near a Wal-Mart!!!!!!!!

Man: Ok. Why don't you fill me in then?

Goose: Well, I posted a question on Audioholics.com about the best system for a barn....

Man: You gotta be kidding me! Did you say you were a goose?

Goose: Of course not! What difference does it make? Do you say you're a vegetarian when you're posting a question to the Mac Owners Support Group?

Man: Ok, fine. And what kind of response did you get?

Goose: Very helpful!!! I think I'm just about ready to order a system.

Man: Order? Can't we just go get it?

Goose: Well, actually the speakers need to be special ordered, because they are custom-made.

(To two women passing:) Hi ladies!!!! Looking good today!!!!

Woman #1: Oh my God, aren't you cute!!!!!

Goose (wriggling tail feathers): Not as cute as you in that red dress!!

Woman #2: Hahaha! Shake your tail feathers again! That is so sweet!

Man (interrupting): Excuse me!!! Excuse me!!! We're having a personal conversation here! Do you mind?

(To goose): Ok, tell me about these custom-made speakers.

Goose: Altec Lansings. A7's. Really sweet!!!!!

Man: Great. And how much are these A7's?

Goose: 58.

Man: 58?? 58 what?

Goose: 58 hundred.

Man: Whoa whoa whoa whoa WHOA!! $5800????

Goose: Per speaker.

Man: Let me get this straight. You want to buy $12,000 speakers for your 3 Coldplay CD's???

Goose: I have 5 Coldplay CD's!!

Man: Let me make a suggestion. Since we're here, let's pick something up for you to try out. And if you don't like it, we can return it and look for a better alternative.

Goose: I am not getting a stereo from Wal-Mart. Only small children have stereos from Wal-Mart and I have very sensitive ears!!!!!!!!!!!

Man: So we are getting nothing here?

Goose: That's right.

Man: Ok. That's your decision. Do you want to do anything else this afternoon? Should we go to the lake and drop the kayak in for a while?

Goose: That sounds good!!!

Man (picking up goose and putting him back into the passenger seat): It does, doesn't it? Let's get out of here.

Mayor Bloomberg, we need to talk....

Are there any sounds more beautiful than the honking of a goose? And if you have to think, let me tell you, the answer is "absolutely not."  

And yet... my friend, Dawn, found this street sign on Dyer Avenue between 41st and 42nd Streets, in New York City. 

She writes: 

Frankly, this is discrimination against geese, and you don't have to take it. "Don't honk"?! What be will next? "Don't eat the grass"? Or "Don't bite the humans!" Appalling!

Thank you, Dawn. Is it discrimination or just bad taste in music? I'll let you know....

Tufts trip #235 (One way!!!!!!)

I drove up to Tufts yesterday for what I thought was going to be a simple chemo treatment. Little did I know that a nuclear bone scan was scheduled. And even littler did I know that after a nuclear bone scan, you have to spend the night because you are RADIOACTIVE!!!!

So here I am, in the exotic ward with a ferret, a chicken, a bunny, an african grey parrot and an eclectus parrot, waiting for 00F to come take me home to my barn. (I actually miss it!! Can you believe it???) The parrots are fun to talk to, but as soon as they finish dinner, all they care about is falling asleep in front of the TV. So as I wait very patiently, for 00F to get me out of here, I will spend this time productively by catching up on my blog.

(Memo to Gremlin Baby: I actually type with my bill. You seem like a nice guy, so I am sure that you won't make any "hunt and peck" jokes!!!)

So, for my medically-minded readers, here's a computer-enhanced version of my bone scan. You can see the osteo-sarcoma lesion on my left leg.

And before you say "Oh my God, Boswell!!!!!! That must hurt like @#$#@!!!!!," I should tell you I'd rather have a little pain in my thigh than be sitting in a large pot of boiling water surrounded by carrots and bay leaves -- any day!!

Dr. Mayer was pretty happy that my bone looked okay, that the lesion had not grown significantly, and that it did not appear to have spread anywhere else. And if Dr. Mayer is happy, I am ROFL.

There was one number on my labs that puzzled him: my cholesterol was over 1000! I hope that this does not result in a misguided search of my beloved 48" Liebherr side-by-side refrigerator & freezer combo. And if someone finds the 17 quarts of Chubby Hubby... Woglinde -- can we pretend it's yours??????

Awwwww!!!!! Here's a cute picture of me (in front), Andrea Bergeron (V '09, on left), and Dr. DeCubellis (right). Dr. DeCubellis had just played a prank on me when I wasn't looking and made a huge mess of arugula leaves around my bowl.

Dr. DeCubellis, nice try, but everyone knows my table manners are perfect!!!!!

This is me waiting for 00F to come get me.

Hmm. What is that blue thing around my neck?!?!?!??!?!??!

Shheesh!!!! I told that parrot that I did NOT want to wear his goofy bandanna!!!! I guess this is play-a-joke-on-Boswell day!!!!

OOF, if you are reading this, I am really ready to come home!!

Viva la vida

00F: We need to talk.

Me: Mmm. Can it wait? I'm a little busy right now....

00F: You're not busy. You're looking at geese on petfinder.com.

Me (closing my laptop): *sigh*

00F: So what's all this email I'm getting about you and Woglinde moving into the house? You know perfectly well that she doesn't want to live in the house. She likes it here in the barn.

Me: I know!!!! That's why I want to find her a replacement goose, so that she's not lonely when I move into the house!!!!

00F: Look, you know she does not want a replacement goose. OK? 

Me: Ummm.

00F: I don't have to remind you who snuggled with you when you were sick, do I? Who preened your feathers for you? 

Me: Woglinde?

00F: That's right. So you're not leaving her here, with or without a replacement goose.

Me: WAAAAAHHHHHH!

00F: Whoa! Calm down. Tell me, what is it that's so appealing about the house?

Me: *sniff sniff* Well, for one, the stereo....

00F: What?!

Me: I never get to play my Coldplay CDs up here!!!!! And if I lived at the house, I could play them all the time!!!

00F: Well, actually you couldn't.

Me: What??? Why not?

00F: Because I hate Coldplay.

Me: What?!?!?!??!?!!? That's not true!! You always play Coldplay in the car!!!!!!!!!

00F: Only when you're riding with me! And that's because I know you like them! I'm sorry, man. I couldn't deal with Coldplay playing all the time in the house. That would be a nightmare.

Me: *hiss!!!!*

00F: Look, if you had told me this earlier, we could have bought you a stereo to play up here in the barn.

Me: A stereo!!!!! My own? Really!!!!????

00F: Do you want to go pick one out this weekend? 

Me: *tail wriggle*

00F: Ok, then. Why don't you do a little research online before we go? I think you'll need one with an infinite repeat function.

Me: And a subwoofer?

00F: If you must.

Me: Viva la vida!!!!!!