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00F: Oh, that's a nice picture! Is that Dr. Mayer?
Me: Yes, that's Dr. Mayer and his wife, Dr. Janet. I need you to do a little Photoshop work on it.
00F: Sure. No problem. What do you need?
Me: I was thinking a Christmas wreath around my neck....
00F: Hmm. OK.
Me: And can you put a reindeer outside the window, looking in?
00F: I guess.... Do you mind if I ask what this is for?
Me: My Christmas cards!!!
00F: Christmas cards!? I don't know how geese do Christmas cards, but with humans, it is customary to use a picture of your own family! I'm not trying to elbow my way onto your card, but don't you think AT LEAST your sister would like to be represented in your holiday greeting?
Me: That's a great idea! Can you Photoshop her in too?!?!?
00F: Maybe we can take a real picture and forget the Photoshop. You can have whoever you want in it. I think there is something to be said for authenticity in holiday pictures, don't you?
Me: I guess, but where are we going to get the reindeer?
I tend to be a big picture guy. So when I was all but consumed by our presidential election, I neglected to focus on my own insignificant little life. And then, as you might well imagine, my email went completely out of control.
To all those of you I ignored: my friends, I owe you an apology. I am staying up past midnight every night responding to each and every one of you personally!!!!!!
Here's an item that caught my attention. It contained a photo of two hot techs and a vet student at Tufts Veterinary School, with a bound, gagged, and comatose goose, which I gather is ME!!! I quote the email in its entirety:
Hi Boswell,
I work at TUFTS as a technician in the nuclear medicine department. Myself and another technician did your bone scan last week and we took a picture of you with us while you were sleeping away peacefully, while your bone scan was in progress. I will attach the photo for you and your Dad 00F. I hope you like it.
I am sure you do remember me since I had to check you the next morning to make sure you were not radioactive with our Geiger counter. You thought that silly looking thing was scary since you kept hissing at it, after I told you it was not going to hurt you you were fine and went back to eating. Well Boswell I hope there were no hard feelings about having to keep you overnight since you were radioactive. Do you know what we call animals when they are radioactive? We call them "Hot" and you are one "hot goose".
Good luck and we can not wait for you to get better!
Take Care
Jillian
P.S. If you do not remember our names Jill is on the far left, Kay is in the middle and a vet student is on the far right.
Thanks for the picture, Jillian. Of course, there are no hard feelings. I actually thought your Geiger counter was a cell phone. Call me old-fashioned, but I have a zero tolerance policy on cell phones. When I have friends over, I insist that all cell phones are turned off and out of sight!
Now regarding that picture: If you call that "sleeping away peacefully," you have seen one too many installments of "Saw"!!!!!
Man (sitting down at bar; speaking to a goose sitting to his right): Hey there. What are you drinking?
Goose: A Nosedive.
Man: What's a Nosedive?
Goose: Grey Goose vodka and arugula leaves.
Man: Hi bartender. 2 Nosedives please. (To goose:) I guess you're a little bummed out.
Goose: A bit.
Man: Well, at least you did your best. I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to.
Goose: Yeah, well....
Man: I know you had a little crush on Sarah Palin, and while she and McCain weren't my choice, I'm really proud of all the hard work you did campaigning in the last few months.
Goose: Lot of good it did. (Wistfully) There was just something about the way she winked at me....
Man: I'm not sure that Sarah Palin could actually see you when you were watching her on television. I don't think television works that way.... So what's this I heard about you biting Henry Kissinger at a fund-raiser?
Goose: He offered me a foie gras canape!!!! What would you have done??!?!?
Man: Couldn't you have just said, "No thank you"?
Goose: That wouldn't have had the same impact. Anyway: Mrs. Kissinger was totally sympathetic and apologized profusely for hurting my feelings with her menu.
Man: Was that before she took her husband to the emergency room or after?
Goose: Before.
Bartender: 2 Nosedives!
Goose (wriggling tail feathers): Thanks! (Takes a sip and sprays vodka everywhere.) Yum!
Man: These are good! You know, I don't even remember the last time I saw you. Ever since you trimmed down to your flying weight, you're never around.
Goose: Lots to do.
Man: Well, I'm hoping you have a little more spare time now that the election is over. I heard you had an appointment at Tufts last week. How did that go?
Goose: Not bad. My cholesterol is up again.
Man: What does that mean?
Goose: Not sure. We're doubling my Soloxine dose for now.
Man: OK. Did you see Dr. Mayer?
Goose: He was home because he just had knee surgery. So I flew by his house on my way back. His wife, Dr. Janet, was there and she made me grapes and spinach.
Man: You hate grapes and spinach.
Goose: I know. But I ate some anyway.
Man: I'm glad you didn't forget your manners. How was Dr. Mayer's knee?
Goose: He was hobbling around a bit, but I think he is recovering nicely.
Man: Good. Look, I don't know how to put this, but I really have missed you. Do you think we can be friends again now that the election is over?
Goose: Well....
Man: If you drive home with me, we can listen to Coldplay.
Goose: Actually, I don't really like Coldplay. I was just pretending that I did so people would think I was cool.
Man: You don't need to like Coldplay for people to think you are cool!
Goose: Really???
Man: Of course not! So what you are you really listening to?
Goose: Well, there is this one song....
Man: Go ahead.
Goose: I think it's called the 'Mexican Hat Dance'.
Man (looking at iPhone): Wow! There are a lot of versions of that! Do you know which one you like?
Goose: I think it's a rabbit that sings it.
Man: Bugs Bunny!??! You like that?
Goose: Do you?
Man: Are you kidding? I love it! Downloading it now.... We can play it all the way home.
Goose: Cool!!!
Man: Friends?
Goose: BFF!!!
